From Positive to Negative
As I approach almost a year of living in Vietnam I honestly feel that I have chosen the positive path as much as possible and have not shared too much of the struggles and challenges with you. The bad must go hand in hand with the good, as long as the balance is achieved.
At this point I need to express myself and share some things that need to be said. I can assure you that it will all end on a positive note, which is always my intention.
Many of you know the many struggles with my experience at my Kindergarten and how it directly correlates to life in Vietnam. I am so proud of myself for what I have achieved and how I have overcome the obstacles that I have faced. I recently was hit with the unfortunate reality that the director of my school has been deceiving me with the goal to keep me happy enough to stay. This feeling from someone who I felt was an incredible support is a horrible feeling. I was very angry, now only a little angry and have decided to take a positive approach. Not easy. My children are such an incredible inspiration and joy to me. Even with all the challenges they are deep in my heart and when I depart from them in five weeks I will be very, very sad. It is my goal to leave with bittersweet happiness.
When an aspect of life in Vietnam gets tough it can often poison the rest of life here, which is most unfortunate. The daily walking and life experienced every day becomes harder. When I get the usual attention of staring, pointing and laughing it makes me realize how weak I am and it feels like the pain I felt when I was picked on in grade school. The Vietnamese find me a curiosity, an oddity and I sincerely do not think they are ever intending to be mean. If some are being cruel, then I do not want to know. It is too much.
With all that being said, there is a silver lining. I am an adult and can make my own choices. To some of you I can understand why you would think why the hell I would choose to live here and sometimes I ask myself the same question. I remind myself again and again that this is a learning curve, a suffering that will lead to incredible joy. I have shared many of those joys and the beauty that this place holds. When life anywhere is hard it is important to get yourself back up, wipe of those dirty knees, stop crying and move forward. Look beyond the ugliness and there is beauty. Take those rude stares and turn it into a pride parade. Instead of experiencing only the surface, peel away the layers and dig deeper. It is OK to feel sad and frustrated, but then remind yourself that there are countless people that are suffering far more than you. Is this easy…no it is not. Life must have its challenges to experience the joys. Of course if it is always a struggle and you cannot see the beauty beyond the ugly anymore, then it is time to move on to someplace else.
Whether I continue to stay in Vietnam or not, there will always be challenges. Life in a foreign country is not easy. I do believe I am becoming a stronger, better person. I hope that when I return home soon, very soon, you will all notice a difference. I hope you see a calmer, happier person.
