A New Beginning
I have been struggling for a while to be happy with living in Hanoi and my teaching. There are parts of me that feel I have not tried hard enough, given up, but now I have realized that I have done my best and it is time to move on. Let me explain…
Nobody wants to be unhappy and you should do whatever it takes to change those feelings. Living in another country is hard and life’s challenges can be compounded without friends, family and the familiar. I moved to Vietnam without expecting it to be the joy, the utopia I was seeking. It was only a step. After living here for almost a year and a half the realization is very clear this is not where I should be. For many it is, but the dots are simply not connecting for me.
Though I have not enjoyed Hanoi for a while, I have been searching for more pleasure in my teaching. Unlike last year I do not have just the one class. I have many classes with different personalities, abilities, emotions, even disabilities. I work in three different capacities that offer limited support and have realized how incredibly lonely and isolated that has been. I have put my heart and soul into my lessons with little satisfaction in return. Most of the children love me, but I do not feel the connection with the class or that I am making a difference. This is an incredibly defeating feeling. I succeeded at increasing my income, but that has come at a price. Life is too hard here to not love what you do in your day.
My biggest struggle has been class management. Most of my assistants speak little or no English. Having assistants in a foreign school are very important on many levels and there are moments when you feel as if you are a prop that moves, dances and sings and your audience is completely ignoring you. Other times, there is crying, bad behavior or complete chaos and you wonder to yourself what the point is of doing what you are doing. Thank goodness for those moments of joy, laughter, hugs and brilliance that makes it worthwhile. I need more of that.
It is time to move on. I have no plans to return to the U.S. other than to visit. I like the experience of living abroad. There are many, many challenges that are worth it and then other challenges that cannot be overcome and will never change due to the culture or who you are. Vietnam has given me so much and I have learned so much. It is time to start letting go. It is always the experiences and the people that you will miss most from your life. I will most definitely miss many people and many things, but ready to start again.
What’s next? Hoping and trying for Spain….again, but the world is truly our oyster. Avoiding the scary, conflicted, polluted and expensive countries. (not much left!) Spain, Portugal, Taiwan, ???.
P.S. With the variety of people that read my blog posts, please know that I am not depressed or crying out for help. I try to carefully choose my words to not concern anyone with my state of mind. It is always my goal to be honest and this is simply a more challenging time in my life and necessary to make that next step. Life cannot always be joy, joy, joy. One must experience challenges to feel that joy. Thank you for all the support and love you give to Michael and I.
xoxo
